Less of me

I don't do very well at this whole "dying to self" thing. In fact, I may even be utterly crap at it. The more tired I am, the crapper at it I get.

Which I think is the reason why I have to re-learn this so often.

I'm full of envy, pride and some very selfish desires. Worse still, I'm a control freak. I need to have things go my way. I can always tell when I'm edging towards the "my way or the highway" attitude. I'm more stresses, things affect me more and I get angry and bitter when things don't go my way.

Unfortunately, I don't always recognize the trigger symptoms until it's too late.

The truth is, it's so much better to be submitted. You don't have to worry so much because you trust that everything is in hands much larger than yours. It also makes decision making a much pleasenter experience. I think we should all try it.

Money, money, money

Money is such a necessary evil. Often I think that my life would be much better if money didn't exist and everyone gave & recieved freely in a perfectly ideal world.

I can hear you scoffing from here. You've got to admit it would be nice!!!

The inspiration behind this is simply the fact that I find myself thinking about money A LOT lately. I guess that's what comes of having a mortgage, building a house & paying rent all at the same time. Here's where I've got to confess to my lack of faith.

I know God can and will provide. And, when I look at this situation honestly I can see that we haven't been without. AND I've heard the stories of people who have had way worse debt and they're still around to tell the tale. But it's kinda scary.

Here's how I see it: For me, God providing is great in an abstract way. When it gets down to the nitty gritty of it all then I get worried. I get worried because it's not really "abstract" any more...it's real and it's my life and I know there are people out there who get random donations posted in their mail but there's a recession out there and it's bigger than God...

Or is it?

I don't want my faith to be the kind that constantly needs to be affirmed. And deep down I know that the God who healed my friend's daughter's sight (an awesome story by the way) is so much bigger than anything else that's going on. But I've never been here before and that's a little scary.

I guess we all need reassurance sometimes.

Busy.

I haven't had much to say lately. Life has been, to put it simply, crazy.

Which probably explains why I'm feeling so drained today. I've basically had three weeks without a weekend. Consistantly. I keep looking forward to the next weekend only to find that it is full of "stuff".

Thing is, I don't mind the "stuff". In fact, most of it was quite enjoyable. Some of it was even awesome. It's just the timing that sucks.

It's really made me think about the way I spend my time. (Time seems so precious at the moment.) I am really, positively quite sure that busy-ness is a massive, life-sucking tool of the devil. Here's the thing, right? If can be busy with all matter of stuff that is abso-positively eternal - in the sense that it is a good way to spend my time. But if I'm giving out all the time I also need the time to fill up myself spiritually.

Because, and I'll be frank - living eternal is pretty difficult. I feel really challenged to start living my life in a way that counts. The thing is, I've found it really, really hard. It's like the moment I started trying all I found was roadblocks in the form of tiredness, leading to frustration, annoyance and all manner of other things. I know I need to lean on God more. But in the middle of the full on, frustrating day, I find it really difficult to step back and take perspective.

Learning curve, right? If there was an easy way I'd LOVE to know what it is!

Sadly, I'm quite doubtful of there being an easy way.

Lucky God is full of grace.

This week coming up is, again, crazy busy. I don't want my relationships to suffer for busy-ness and in a way they have been. Both with God and with Isaac and with other people. It's such a fine balance that I'm still learning about what that is.

Lucky God is full of grace.

Better still - lucky God knows who I was meant to be, and I trust he'll steer me in the right direction.

Blessings in abundance

Praise the Lord, all you nations; extol him all you peoples. For great is his love towards us and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord. - Psalm 117

We were told today that work is on a pay freeze. Understandable given the "economic climate".

I've been thinking lately about the things that get me worked up and worried. Money is one of those things. It's stupid really because I've never lacked for anything. But the nature of the world we live in is to tell us we want things that we don't need.

Yes, I'm aware my job contributes to that. My thoughts on that another time...

"Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you" Psalm 116:7

I want this to be true of me. It is true if me. I just forget sometimes. Here's the deal:

1) I have a roof over my head = blessing
2) I don't go hungry = blessing
3) I have a job = blessing
4) My husband has a job = blessing
5) I have an education = blessing

I think you see where this is going...

I'm not writing this list to boast about what I have. I'm just trying to point out that there are so many things we take for granted in our lives.

So can I, in good conscience complain about not getting a pay rise? Not really, no. Because I don't lack for anything. Moreover, I don't lack in the things that really matter: friends, family, grace, mercy, love.

And, in the light of eternity does it really matter how much I get paid?

Be Still

I had a "moment" yesterday.

We're down at Ohau and I took my bike to the road. (As you do)

It was spectacular. The sun was out, but dropping behind the mountains very quickly. Probably about 6 degrees out and I was biking into the wind. Brrr!

At one point I just pulled over and it was so utterly quiet. No cars, nothing. All I could hear was the occasional bird. Right in front of me? Massive snow-capped mountains. My breathing sounded almost intrusive in an atmosphere like that.

It was like I could hear God whispering. In the light of such awesome, magnificent beauty it's like the whole world fell into perspective. It's why I love getting out of town. You never get utter stillness and silence in town. We clutter life with noise. Traffic, tv, radio, advertising. Humanity is very good at talking and not listening.

Imagine all that would be revealed if we just listened.

(P.s - it's snowing again)

I think it's important to remember that God's not the noise of the storm - the thunder, the waves, the earthquake, the hail, the sleet...you get the point.

If I was to associate God with the weather system it would be snow. Snow is silent, it has this ability to blanket everything it touches. What's more it transforms. Not in a hugely intrusive way. But in a gentle, quiet way. And yet it has the ability to make the whole world grind to a halt if it's heavy enough.

That's what I think anyway. I think we all need a little more snow in our lives.

Indescribable.

I don't know how to explain what God has done in my life. Well, I do. But I don't - if that makes sense!

There are no words to explain what He has done in my life.

I wasn't a drug addict.

I wasn't an alcoholic.

I wasn't abused.

But I was broken.

And though I'm no where near being whole I am on the journey to getting there. And I wouldn't be able to get there if it wasn't for him. You have no idea the sense of relief in knowing (and I forget this often!) that I don't have to worry. That I don't have to be in control. That there is a plan and even though I don't know the next step that I am going somewhere. The things that frustrate me don't need to frustrate me because I can have perspective. There is a bigger picture.

I get to be accepted. I get to be loved and not just in the broken, distorted way of human love. Because we can only love to a certain extent and our very human-ness distorts what love is meant to be. I get unconditional, lay-down-my-life-for-you love.

If you don't get what I'm talking about that's fine because I don't think you can until you're at the place you can understand that. But that's what it is for me.

I always feel slightly guilty when I don't go to church on a Sunday morning. Which is silly, isn't it? I'm going tonight. But I feel like I should be going in the morning as well.

Logically it makes no sense. I shouldn't feel guilty in any case.

Plus it's not like God only resides in church. He doesn't. And I don't regularly make a habit of NOT going. I've been so tired lately that today I just feel like I want to stay home and get things done.

AND take the new bike for a spin.

Hmm...maybe that's why???

PS - People if you're on here and reading this, click on one of the links below! It'll greatly help our house fund if people start clicking on adsense!!!!

Freedom!

Well, it is officially Easter weekend for me due to a mix up in when Isaac's graduation is. (It's Thursday, not Wednesday)

But that's ok. Initially I was planning on spending most of Weds with the kitten, but that has obviously gone out the window now. So I am filling my day with things like baking and going to Journey Towards Easter and preparing for heading down to Ohau. Again, we originally weren't going any where for the holiday but with kitty gone it seems like a good time to get out of the house as it's a little uncomfortable-feeling here sometimes.

Sometimes I think I see the kitten sitting somewhere on the floor. It always ends up being my shoes or something like that. But I don't expect him to walk into the room as much any more :(

So tomorrow will be okay. Just me. My parents get back tomorrow so may stop in for a visit and Isaac and I are planning on trialing the delights of Wagamama tomorrow night as a pre-graduation celebration.

I feel that I will probably have to take a few deep breaths. But that's okay. I'm doing okay and that is really only due to the grace of God.

We are looking at places to move to. Places to buy. Looking into how much we can/need to borrow. It's all very exciting and grown up. I'm believing for the right place and the provision to get it.

Still haven't heard about the job I applied for. But that's all good. Supposed to hear by the end of the week - but I'm not there (haha). I'm not worried though, I still like my current job well enough and part of me would feel bad for leaving in such a time of change.

6 days off work! Whoop!

As long as I may live....

So...Inspire is over. Which is crazy seeing as how we didn't even see it coming. Was so tired this arvo...slept for an hour! And Jem was mowing the lawn and my windows were open and I heard it but it didn't even bother me.

THAT is tired.

But what a fantastic weekend! It was just so...gentle...for lack of a better word! Hard work, but very laid back and relaxed at the same time :)

Yes, I am full of contradictions today. David Lyle Morris came down again, he's such an awesome man! Last time he was here was three years ago. And to be honest I don't remember much of it. But he just has such an awesome spirit. He's so down to earth and enthusiastic about stuff and just so passionate about God and music and serving other people.

He's an incredible man! You can just see God in him, you know. He's so, so...tuned in to what's going on. It's awesome. You can check out some of his songs on the link up there. I love "We Live in the Shelter" - he played it acoustic over the weekend and I just teared up every time! He wrote it after hearing about his wife's cancer scare.

It's also such a reminder of how blessed we are with our team. We really, really are. And that's not to blow our own trumpet. But we have truly inspiring leadership in D&M and we have an awesome leadership team that I'm incredibly privileged to be to be a part of. It's such a "family" - I love the wider team, I love our team. It's awesome. We have incredible musicians, incredibly passionate people who want to improve and play and sing like they mean it. And they bless so many people by their presence.

Awesome :)

Mmmm....

I have a strange craving for trifle.

This is what comes of watching The Office.

I may make trifle...

Edit: Okay, have bought the necessary ingredients (and then some!) for making trifle. Shouldn't be too hard, right?

I bought the latest Hillsong CD on Friday. Well, actually I bought the CD/DVD special edition.

I wasn't going to...but I felt compelled. Well, I didn't. But I really, really wanted the version of Healer on this CD. Mike Guglielmucci wrote it. For those that don't know, Mike was a youth pastor back in the day. One day he wasn't feeling well and so he went to a doctor to see if they could figure out what was wrong. Turns out he had this wicked aggressive form of blood cancer. They gave him two weeks to live. He went home and wrote this song.

This was back in 2006.

If you watch the video, Mike is up there singing with his oxygen tank next to him. He can barely finish the lines of the songs but he sings them with such conviction that you can't help but be moved. We watched the video this week at a music night and I seriously cried.

It's such a powerful song. It really, really speaks to me. And to be honest it speaks the truth, you know? Nothing is impossible for God. Nothing.

So far liking the album, really love Stronger. Which we've already been doing in church. Nice to hear it how it's meant to be done though! Brooke Fraser makes a few appearances on it. Will do a full review at some other point.

PS: Like the new layout? One of my own. I'm loving it at the moment. Just need to get the boy to fix up the links. Last one was way too dark for my liking after awhile!

Busy busy busy

It's been awhile since I updated. Probably because this time of year is strangely busy. It all seems to go so fast. We've just had our end of year leaders retreat for youth group. Now THAT'S random as it doesn't seem like all that long ago it was start of year retreat.

It was fun, being up in Hamner for the long weekend. We had good times despite the sandfly bites. I seriously got bit on my ass!!! (You cannot even begin to comprehend how annoying that is!!)

It was really good as well. Muz and Janice came out for a day and we had a real significant time with them talking about struggles, things we appreciated about each other and just dealing to some of the problems we have been having.

I sat and talked to Rob yesterday arvo and just cried and cried and cried. Yes, I am SUCH a girl. Lol. But it was really good. It was like I met with God and finally, finally heard him say "I love you" and "You're worth it." Which is something I hadn't heard in awhile. I think I've been internalising things for too long!!! So I feel a lot better about tuesday nights and maybe I can handle it now! At least till the end of the year and then that era is over for me. For now. :)

It was also real cool cuz we appreciated Ness for doing youth work for 15 years. 15!!!! Crazy, eh??? I had such an "interesting" time putting together the video. To the point of wanting to throw my laptop out the window. But it all worked in the end. Yay! I'm actually quite proud of it. The funniest part being the bloopers. *wink*

Anyway, I'm hungry so it definately feels like breakfast (or at least coffee) time!!

Thoughts on Religion

I've been reading Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz these past couple of weeks. The blurb reads: "Nonreligious thoughts on Christian Spirituality" and I love that. I love the way he writes it as well, he's just kinda rambling along and then all of a sudden whammo! he's got a point. And it's a damn good one as well.

It just reminds me of how so often we get caught up in "religion" and what we are and aren't supposed to do. We lose the fact that Christianity is less about what we do - and more about our connection with God. (Note that I'm as guilty of this as the next person...) If we want a religion that's about what we do we might as well just go back to Judeaism - because that's what it was. It was all about the Law. No, not the law (small 'l') but the Law (big 'L'). Their lives revolved around it.

Then all of a sudden along comes Jesus with his 'Blessed are the poor...' speech. That must have totally blown their minds. Here he was saying that the poor people, the marginalised people, the people who suffer and struggle with every day life, they are blessed. Can't you just see the Pharisees sitting there shaking their heads. Their entire way of life was being questioned. Jesus walked in and he loved people. He loved the people no one else had the courage to love - he loved the people no one else wanted to love.

Wow.

He was a hard act to follow, he still is. If you look through the Sermon on the Mount (Matt 5-7) you'll see that it's all about how Jesus changed the law. He took the hard line on things like adultery and divorce. It seems like such a tough sermon. To me, it's a reminder about how I'll never really be enough. Y'know, I cover my light when it's convinient, I find it extremely hard to love my enemies, sometimes I don't really want to be a good person.

But I was thinking about this yesterday, and really, instead of reminding me that I'm not good enough, it should remind me about God's grace. And I think maybe that's the point of the Sermon on the Mount - to show us that we'll never live up to the standard that God sets for us, but that at the same time, it's okay. It's the standard we should try to reach, but it's still okay if we don't reach it. Because we can't.

I will never be able to live up to the standard Jesus set.

And guess what?

That's okay.

It really is. It doesn't mean I stop trying to meet that standard. On the contrary, I still try (and I still fail) - but I want to try. I want to try because that's what God asks me to do. It's not blind obediance, but it is done out of love.

That may sound cheesy and corny and all number of stupid things. But that's okay too. It doesn't mean that I'm here living my 'happy clappy' christian life. If I'm being honest I actually really dislike happy clappy christians - probably because they're that way because they've either reached some sort of strange nirvana that I've yet to reach. Or because they're so happy and clappy they must be faking it.

In any case, I find myself constantly amazed by Jesus. Which is probably a good thing, right?

How's that for a first post?