Indescribable.

I don't know how to explain what God has done in my life. Well, I do. But I don't - if that makes sense!

There are no words to explain what He has done in my life.

I wasn't a drug addict.

I wasn't an alcoholic.

I wasn't abused.

But I was broken.

And though I'm no where near being whole I am on the journey to getting there. And I wouldn't be able to get there if it wasn't for him. You have no idea the sense of relief in knowing (and I forget this often!) that I don't have to worry. That I don't have to be in control. That there is a plan and even though I don't know the next step that I am going somewhere. The things that frustrate me don't need to frustrate me because I can have perspective. There is a bigger picture.

I get to be accepted. I get to be loved and not just in the broken, distorted way of human love. Because we can only love to a certain extent and our very human-ness distorts what love is meant to be. I get unconditional, lay-down-my-life-for-you love.

If you don't get what I'm talking about that's fine because I don't think you can until you're at the place you can understand that. But that's what it is for me.

Ageism

Sometimes I look in the mirror when the make-up is off and I feel old.

We had a retro worship night tonight...not just the '80s but the '90s too...good to listen to the old stuff but MAN the 90s feel like a LONG time ago!!

One of my ex-youth group girls is ENGAGED!! I'm happy for her but am also thinking it doesn't seem like that long ago she was in high school...

Perhaps when we all have kids I will ponder this again. Thing is the best time is now!!! Loving to live the dream...or at least part of it!

Something I dislike...Palestine & Israel take two

Actually, not just dislike - more like really, really abhor. When people who don't even know who you are attack you for your opinion.

Not only that - when they are too cowardly to do it in a public forum and so they privately send psuedo-scathing private messages to one's facebook account.

I'm sorry, but you are doing nothing to change my opinion or gain my respect. So long ago that I can't even remember how long ago it was...2007 as it turns out....I blogged about Palestine and Israel. Probably in response to some act of aggression that was happening at the time. Now, I don't claim to be an expert on the situation over there. In fact - I am probably anything but. However, I don't think it is possible for us to assign blame all over the place - especially when people's lives are being taken without their permission. Especially when childrens lives are at stake.

There are people all over the place who believe firmly in what they believe. The Palestinians and the Israelis both believe that they are entitled to the land of the Gaza strip. (Like I said, not an expert - correct me if I'm wrong!) But there are people involved here too. People who are losing their lives and families being torn apart - on both sides.

I am not - and I really want to stress this - not picking sides. All I am saying is that there is a point where enough is enough. Where compromise is always going to be the best option. This is one of those occasions. Yes, Elinor, Israel did give that land in Gaza to the Palestinians. You say "stupidly" and perhaps that may or may not be right. But that land originally belonged to the peoples in that area - the arabs who you claimed attacked Israel when they were still trying to get recognition as a "people".

So how can you say that these people are not a nation? Are not people but terrorists? Are all Palestinians terrorists? Israel have their own military that has caused it's fair share of terror. And if I remember correctly (5th form history is a long time ago now!) that land never originally belonged to Israel. They took it from other nations. Is it really a surprise when those people want their land back?

I'll admit that I am not there. I don't fully understand - and possibly will never fully understand. But don't you dare lecture me on my opinion. I'm not opposed to learning - but not when you seek to force your opinion on me. I have the right to study all sources of information and make a reasoned judgment. And I don't need you to judge me for that.

You say New Zealand would respond in the same way if a neighbouring country was attacking them? Yes, perhaps. (Although with our pathetic lack of air force we'd probably lose...hmm...) But this is more than just one nations greed and want. This is about hurts - real or imagined - that have gone back years and years and years. People who can't let go, who continue to hurt the innocent people around them and who have very little regard for human life if it doesn't suit their agenda. And that is on both sides.

So thank you for sharing your side of the story. But don't you think you might be the tiniest bit biased? After all, these people are in your country, attacking your family. And to you the loss of life on the other side is deserved because, hell, they did it first! But is that really the right attitude? If your attitude is the same as the majority of the Israelis (and I pray that it's not!) then I doubt we will ever see any resoultion to the middle east conflict in my lifetime, if ever. On some level people need to learn to forgive and to let go. They need to time to heal and rebuild their lives.

Your attitude won't let that happen because you see them as beneath you. They don't deserve to live but you do? They don't deserve a home, a land, a place that they belong - but you do?

Think about that...

I saw

A horrible t-shirt in a shop window today.

It said: "Don't discriminate...hate everyone".

Isn't that terrible? It's trying to be funny, yet with all the bullsh*t and hate crimes and people - young people - being KILLED...it just seems ridiculously childish. It encourages behaviour that we shouldn't in ANY way encourage.

Musing

It's funny how one little thing can change your perspective on something.

The trick is not to let it get to you.

Sometimes it feels like the grass is greener somewhere else. But the truth is that it's not.

Edit: The grass is never greener! Neverrrr!!! What a weird day yesterday was :P

Growing up

I was suddenly struck today - as I occasionally am - by this feeling of OLDNESS. Which is this slightly weird moment of wondering when the heck I grew up.

You know, for so long I was a kid and then a teenager, it's weird to be responsible for your rent, food, power, internet, telephone bill and finances. Even weirder to be talked about as "this lady" when in stores.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm playing at being a grown up. Like I'm a big kid trapped in a grown up's body. But that's not true either is it? Because for the most part I like being a grown up. I do hate the money woes though. It's like there's never enough.

And all the responsibility and the baggage that we pick up along the way.

Doubts

Doubts are funny things. They kind of undermine you and seep into your consciousness. They don't start out as a big deal...just a little niggling possiblity or fear. But if you give them leeway they explode into this huge THING.

I think it's natural to doubt.

Everyone has doubts some of the time. And sometimes we perhaps don't doubt enough. Take for example the wave of despair and anguish that is currently sweeping the country. We were all so sure the ABs would make at least the semis.

Oh the woe.

It's been quite the big weekend. Back to work today. Oh the joys.

Poor boy got sin-binned! Aww...

Culture

So, been thinking lately about issues of culture and whatnot. This mixing cultures in relationships instead always what it's cracked up to be.

I think I'm quite lucky. My parents are pretty hip and "with it" in terms of adapting, I guess. They absolutely love the boy. I think they would prefer to spend an evening with the boy rather than with me. And when I'm here I never, ever feel like I'm "in between" two cultures.

But I'm a little concerned about what will happen when we head away at the end of the year. I don't know how to be "in between". Usually when I'm here, I choose one side and when I'm not here I choose the other side. Silly, right? I guess it's better than not knowing where you stand!

It's going to be harder with my family there. Not that I don't love my family or anything, but family always complicates things. Mainly because they won't "get it". (Yes, I am putting a lot of things in quotes - I am basically like The Press on any given day) And as much as I'd like them to get it they probably won't. Because they are who they are.

I'd like to think that one side of the family will be more understanding (so to speak) because there is already interracial mixing within it. And hopefully this will be the case. But if it's not...what then? Will it just be this incredibly awkward time? I hope not. Because that would probably be the worst month ever.

It's not just that. I was talking to a friend of mine (also Asian, but she's been here about as long as I have) about how Asian people just seem to have these expectations of young people. Like they expect you to be well on the road to getting married by your early-mid twenties. Which may or may not be a good thing. But when it doesn't work out you attain this cultural stigma. (So to speak!) Every time I have been back there people ask me if I have a boyfriend - like that's all there is to me. This time when I go back I'm gonna say "YES and here he is." Because inevitably what follows that question (when I reply with a 'no') is "So...do you think you'd prefer to go out with a white person or an Asian person?"

Perhaps this is my form of rebellion.

But to tell you the truth, I wouldn't care if he was PURPLE or multicoloured or a slimy green colour. I don't think people get that.

I guess culture is what you make of it and what you identify with. And really, is it such a bad thing that what I identify with is completely different to what you identify with?

And on that note I'd better go to work :P

Party on

Well...I survived. Really, I feel like this a big achievement for me. Isaac's friends aren't particularly welcoming to, well, me and so managing to actually be at a party with them and JUST them for an hour and a half is a HUGE achievement.

Especially with "she-who-must-not-be-named" there, being annoying and loud and whatnot. I think she knows that I don't like her ever since she emailed me. Anyway, she ignored the fact that I was there and I ignored the fact she was there and that's probably preferable at this stage.

I've decided that I don't really care if they like me or not. I have my own friends who do like me. And Isaac stresses everytime I have to go anywhere with his friends and I'd rather he didn't do that.

Long story short: I will always prefer hanging out with my mates. But if I have to I can probably manage to spend more time with Isaac's friends. Maybe I will bring a book to future parties, it would probably be more welcoming.

I'd also like to point out that I do not force myself on people. UNLIKE someone else.